Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder A Personal Story of Fighting Back

Even though I’m not a doctor, or even a medic, recent and ongoing events have compelled me to reveal very personal information in hopes of offering encouragement to fellow soldiers in their quests to fend off “the demons.” As a 22-year active duty soldier, I have served in Korea, Bosnia, Desert Storm, and twice in support of Operation Iraqi Freedom (2003-2004 and 2006-2007), the latter making up the bulk of this story’s base. During my most recent 15-month deployment, I was assigned as a first sergeant to a Stryker-based cavalry troop. We were composed of scouts, mortarmen, infantrymen, forward observers, medics, and counterintelligence soldiers. Time in country aside, we observed and experienced a wide spectrum of daily combat events and the occasional “bad” days that no one seems to forget. Like so many of our comrades, we lost a brother over there; he died behind his weapon, fighting bad guys who were firing at us. We saw our share of enemy mortar attacks, improvised explosive devices (IEDs), and fire fights, like nearly every other unit that passes through. I returned from deployment in September 2007 to the regular post-deployment schedule we all go through. We were, of course, briefed on what to expect; good times during the 90-day “honeymoon” period, followed by the chance times that we might experience discipline problems. As a unit, not only did we conduct scheduled briefings and doctor visits, but we also assembled in a group, removed our ACU shirts (devoid of rank), and discussed things. This was my attempt at self-therapy for the guys, by the guys. There were no expectations; I just wanted the guys to realize that the things we were experiencing were shared by the group, and were not one man’s mental hell. I shared my own experiences, such as walking into a large department store and suddenly having an unexplained nervous breakdown, and my grown children had to escort me back to the parking lot where I felt secure again. When finished sharing these stories, I asked my soldiers for a show of hands — more than 85 percent raised their hands and said that they were experiencing the same issues! It has been about a year and a half since our return, and I have stayed in touch with a few of the guys, but it is difficult to say if they still struggle with the demons. At this point, I only feel comfortable discussing my situation and using it as an example to understand how some things get better and others linger on. I have been diagnosed with chronic post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and am undergoing professional medical treatment to help deal with the issues. I am no novice when it comes to understanding this subject; I have done a lot of research on the disorder. Information does help; however, it seems that I lose control of my faculties and emotions at the most inopportune time. I attempt to talk myself through these breakdowns by reassuring myself that nothing is wrong, I am in no danger, and there is nothing to be emotional about. Nonetheless, I break down and cry about nothing at all, and losing control only breeds a little anger inside, which leads to other problems, mainly concerning family. For those of you who are struggling with feelings of hurt, resentment, guilt, and confusion, I want to share the three things that help me cope. Before I share these things, know that many credible studies show that 90 percent of all PTSD cases resolve themselves, if only partially, even without treatment. Now, before you say to yourself “see, I will be fine,” let me remind you of the remaining 10 percent who may not get help and really need it. I wholeheartedly recommend professional help, regardless! My first line of defense is something that is missing from so many soldiers’ lives — immediate family. When my symptoms surface, which usually happens at home, not at work, my kids silently withdraw from the room and my wife takes her place by my side as the rock on which I throw this unknown person, lest he drown in unknown waters. I cannot fathom what my single soldiers must have gone through during their struggles, alone in the barracks, with no family to help them through. Unfortunately, many soldiers came back and tried to self-medicate, to numb the demons that would not go away, nearly to the point of self-destruction — they should have sought help! My second line of defense is far more readily available to all soldiers — fellow vets. I use this line of defense whenever I find a suitable source. At this writing, I have a fellow first sergeant, a wingman of sorts, who commiserates with me on my bad days, and I with him during his. We share commonalities that we can comfortably discuss, which otherwise might fall on deaf ears if shared with counselors or family members. There is a strange sense of comfort and camaraderie in the knowledge that others are still fighting a silent war of keeping the demons in the closet. Before you look at this problem dismissively, know that some of these guys are among the toughest soldiers I know. Someone once said that combat is made up of 99 percent boredom and routine, and 1 percent of absolute mind-scrambling horror. Not everyone experienced that horrific 1 percent and some experienced it at different levels; some not too bad, some much worse than could or should be described herein. My third line of defense is obvious — counseling. I failed to seek help when I first experienced symptoms; I really thought I could fight my way through or it would go away. I was wrong! Since the demons were not interfering with my work (so I thought) and were only visiting me at home, I did not see the need to take an hour out of my important day to visit a counselor. I could not have been farther off the correct path. I know to this very day that I may have started too late. It took me “…we observed and experienced a wide spectrum of daily combat events and the occasional “bad” days that no one seems to forget. Like so many of our comrades, we lost a brother over there; he died behind his weapon, fighting bad guys who were firing at us. We saw our share of enemy mortar attacks, improvised explosive devices (IEDs), and fire fights, like nearly every other unit that passes through.” 24 — awhile to see what this was doing to my family, the constant anger over nothing, the short fuse when dealing with small matters; it took a toll on those who could help me, if I had let them. Granted, everyone will get different results from this type of help, but it is well worth the try. I have foregone the use of any recommended medication, but that was a personal choice. Yet another piece of common ground between me and my wingman, we chose to fight this drug free. Professionally, I am not opposed to using medications to assist in the fight; it is a purely personal choice and one that has pros and cons that each individual should research. Even with these three lines of defense at my disposal, the battle is ongoing. I did not intentionally bring these demons home with me and would gladly send them back, if I knew how. Recently, I have felt the pull to rejoin the fight, which does not bode well with my family. My inner desperate side believes I can take the demons back and leave them there. The demons seem to be crushed into silence when I put on my uniform and go to work, something the counselor links to a “mental safety net.” These days, while trying to be physically, mentally, and emotionally strong, the steps taken in the fight against PTSD are more important than ever. The Army has made leaps and bounds in recognizing PTSD, how it affects our soldiers, and how important it is for us to continue to address it at every given chance. Notably, as with many other things, there are those who take advantage of this newly read-dressed issue, and it has muddied the waters for those who still fight their demons every day. I encourage all leaders to take this unfortunate fact into account, but stand behind those soldiers who have difficulty coping with these demons. If the first line of defense is unavailable and the third line is not used (which is the best line of defense), the second line is always available, but only if we are there for each other and drop the “he-man” crap, recognize the issue, apply any help we can, and get on with the job of training and preparing for the next trip overseas. I do not believe PTSD can completely stop us, and it is incumbent on us to stay trained and ready to deploy, if needed. I think the invaluable experiences we derive from our fight against PTSD should be used as a teaching tool to raise the awareness of younger soldiers so they have a better chance of leaving the demons in country when they return from the fight. This preparation is as important as mission essential task list (METL) training for young soldiers headed to the fight. Finally, while not a doctor, I do consider myself a veteran of more than one type of fight, and if not for my fellow veterans, who are also struggling with that “other” fight, life would be a little rougher and harder to deal with these days. Find a wingman, someone who stomped some of the same ground, fought the same fight, dealt with the same issues, and you may just find out that they brought the same demons back with them as well. You may also learn that they have a trick or two up their sleeve on the TTP they use to fight, and effectively keep, the demons locked away with no chance of returning. One final thought: if the battle seems to be rolling in the demon’s favor some “My first line of defense is something that is missing from so many soldiers’ lives — immediate family. When my symptoms surface, which usually happens at home, not at work, my kids silently withdraw from the room and my wife takes her place by my side as the rock on which I throw this unknown person, lest he drown in unknown waters. I cannot fathom what my single soldiers must have gone through during their struggles, alone in the barracks, with no family to help them through.” days, take solitude in the fact that there are more of us in the fight than you know. Good luck in your fight, and just know that the demons will eventually lose; they have to. First Sergeant James R. Black is currently serving as first sergeant, Headquarters and Headquarters Company, U. S. Army Armor Center, Fort Knox, KY. His military education includes Combat Developers Course, Defense Equal Opportunity Management Institute, Advanced Noncommissioned Officer Course, and M1A2 Abrams Tank Commander Certification Course. He has served in various leadership positions, to include first sergeant, B Troop, 1st Squadron, 14th Cavalry, 3d Brigade, 2d Infantry Division, Fort Lewis, WA; equal opportunity advisor, 3d Brigade, 2d Infantry Division, Fort Lewis; tank platoon sergeant, D Company, 1st Battalion, 33d Armor, Fort Lewis; and tank commander, C Company, 2d Squadron, 8th Cavalry, 1st Cavalry Division, Fort Hood, TX. — 25